WHEN YOU DIE, A COMPANY WILL PRESS YOUR ASHES INTO A VINYL

By Dan Wilkinson 

If you’re reading this, then music is hopefully something that preoccupies you the most in life. You’ll listen to it while you’re getting dressed, while you’re getting drunk and while you’re doing just about anything that doesn’t require immediate silence. But, if you’re reading this, then you’re also probably a human, and have undoubtedly thought about life’s final curtain call. 

 

We’re all going to die – sorry to break it to you – and when that day comes, what will happen to our meticulously catalogued music collections? Will they be left to fester, alongside Simon and Garfunkel and Herb Alpert & The Tijiuana Brass Band LPs in a Heart Foundation charity shop? Will they be left in the attic to collect dust with the Christmas decorations? Or will you be able to take your signed copy of Arctic Monkey’s Beneath The Boardwalk to the grave?

 

There are two options:

 

Vinyly

Vinyly want to put you in the music, literally. If you’re cremated, then the company will combine your remains with the vinyl process, creating thirty sides of vinyl. If you’re feeling boring, or want to continue your narcissist tirade upon your family into the afterlife, then this could be a recording of your voice. Or, if you’re feeling lazy, then the company’s house band can cut together a track for you. Do you want a trap tune made in your honour? These are your guys.

 
This isn’t a random image of the Grim Reaper, this is the actual logo on the website with the company’s catchphrase

 

The company was founded by techno record label boss Jason Leach, who was inspired after he saw an American TV clip of someone’s ashes being shot out of a cannon. Naturally, because cannons and music link together, he wondered how he could add music into the equation of death.

 

Business isn’t exactly booming in the dead vinyl trade, though, as only four people have taken up the offer. Including a club DJ whose family wanted him “to spin a few more times at his favourite club”.

 

Price is a big factor, too. The whole recording process costs £2000, and with only 24 minutes to record on, it’s quite a big investment. But, it’s probably worth the money when your family gets to put a needle through you each time they want to hear “your” song.

 

CataCoffin

The second option is a coffin with speakers, which can play your own personal playlist, continuously, on a loop, forever. This means that you can listen to Gabrielle’s “Dreams” without fear of social embarrassment. But, you’ll also be dead, cold and alone.

 

Here’s company founder Frederik Hjelmquist with his mission statement.

 What happens if you get bored of listening to Gabrielle on loop, though? There’s a touch screen app built into the gravestone whereby loved ones can sync their iPod to your playlist or add songs remotely on Spotify. Which means that when that Jay Electronica album finally comes out, you’ll be able to listen to it. The coffin also comes built in with an eight inch subwoofer, which I’m sure every mourning person will appreciate when they arrive at a graveyard to the sound of TNGHT coming up from under the ground.

 

The price for the CataCoffin is £21,000, which, just in case you don’t read Coffin Weekly, is really, really expensive. Though, I suppose you won’t need the money once you’re dead.

 

So, do you get cremated and become a piece of plastic? Or, do you want to be buried, knowing that your little brother can torture you with a playlist made up of death metal?

 

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